the final word: tough sheet, losers

and... it's ovah.

the winner of the golden medal goes to SWEDENLAND! silver (or first loser) to CANADIA! and copper to CHINA. enjoy your penguin job, suissers.

now, as is our editorial privilege here at girthy, we bring you a direct cut/paste from the first (and apparently only) comment of our winning contestant, from yesterday's thread:

I felt the time was right to make my one and only appearance on this blog as I graciously accept my team's gold medal win. Please know, I appreciated your efforts during these Olympic games--alas, you all fell beneath the mighty Swedish hammer.

Sweden has contributed much to the world: ABBA, meatballs, Ace of Base, those yummy gummy fish. You might not be aware of this, but they are also the inventors of dynamite...or as I like to call her, Anette Norberg.

I salute you, worthy competitors, and await your virtual obeisance.

Betala bitches!
The Hammer

yeah.

so, on that immaculate grace note, see you fuckers in four years (when we also begin DEATH POOL coverage of women's biathlon) JUNE--for MUTHAFUCKIN' WORLD CUP FOOTBALLIN' ACTION FROM APARTHEID-LAND!

be girthy...

semifinally MEDAL ROUND OF DOOM (day 10 - 11 open thread)

and it looks like it's Canadia vs. Swedenland for the GOLD (and silver)!

discuss the impending SOUTHSIDE vs. ELEANOR battle here... as well as the cutthroat bronze medal game between the DUKE vs. the 159...

get yo' medals on (day 9 open thread--off day)

here in the blue-black gloaming of the limbo between round robin and medal round, let's take a brief moment to discuss...

also, here's the medal round schedule/teams.

20 Eleanor plays the Duke
and
Southside Jimmy goes up against KC!

watch 'em live online, if it's not shown on the teevee (as both semifinals are simultaneously at the same time)!

i hate the fucking olympics (day 8 open thread)

but at least i found out towards the end of the round robin round that you can watch embattled former US skip debbie mccormackrhymeswithsucksdick live--on your computer, over the interwebs. just go down to the LIVE! video shit on the right rail.

of course, being cursed with the worst US women's curling team ever has at least allowed me the excruciating joy of watching them on live TV as they flounder on the sheet, a beached, bleating seal, letting their competitors slowly bite huge chunks out of them--before their competitors spit out said chunks, because they taste like fat fucking loser.

yeah.

however, for those of you not cursed with having the US team, i guess it could be cool to watch every other match--LIVE. here's the link.

discuss...

a good bye (day 7 open thread)

embattled US skip debbie mccormackpottinger gets a blessed day of respite, before finishing the round robin round later this week. more waffling and bad draw weight to come!

also, here's hoping she can heal up from all of colleen murphy's bite marks.

discuss...

fuck canadia (day 6 thread)

as we begin the annexation of the 51st state that's not puerto rico or mexico, ta neige, canuckian women's curling team, fait des l'armes au soleil.

discuss (in your language of choice)...

fuck the scotch (day 5 open thread)

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
va.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
VA.

EVA! fresh from pulling a Rasputin on ice, US skip debbie mccormack sent us here at girthy a celebratory screed... and wethinks it's for you, darlin':

no wo-man, EVA, is an Iland, intire of herselfe; every wo-man
is a peece of the North American Continent, Remember the Maine!;
if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe (this is you)
is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as
well as if a Manor of thy friends or of thine
owne were; any wo-mans death diminishes me,
because I am involved in Mankinde;
And therefore never send to know for whom
the hammer tolls; It tolls for thee.

MEDITATION XVII
Devotions upon Emergent Curling Occasions
Debbie McCormick

if you read it really, really (hard) fast, it sounds just like this.

which means, despite your precocious skills with the big hammer, your 19 years of scottish class and humor, and your cute little nose--you are about to be mccormack-ed. rhymes, with...

nyet with all that glasnost shit (day 4 open thread)

so, things are going pretty much as expected. if you haven't been watching, here's a recap of the US team from our first 3 matches.



debbie mccormack would be, in this scenario, the stewardess, i believe.

on the plus side--hey, we're not the men's team! though, of course, men's curling isn't a real sport, anyway.

and on the other plus side--there are no giant sharks in fucking russia! fuck you, russia! they're all frozen, or hunted to extinction for their caviar.

on the somewhat negative side, there's a 50/50 chance some fucking Inuit throws a harpoon midway through brave US skip debbie mccormack's upper thorax before End 8. you'll know it's gonna happen if you start hearing seal calls.

let's bang denmark, baby (day 3 open thread)

as of 12:35 ET, it's looking something like:

1: Sweden: 3 - 0
2: Canada: 2 - 0
2: Germany: 2 - 0
4: Russia: 1 - 1
4: GB: 1 - 1
4: Japan: 1 - 1
4: China: 1 - 1
8: US: 0 - 2
8: Denmark: 0 - 2
10: Suisse: 0 - 3

DID YOU KNOW: the danish team features this year's version of the Johnson Sisters? they're also 0 - 3 right now--and on a deadly collision course to smack face first into beefy-armed bitchy clique queen debbie mccormack, and her heathers-like team of catty stoners. look, out Danish Johnson Sisters; because just like an out-of-control luger, DEBBIE MCCORMACK'S UNI-CHIN AND WELL-BRUSHED LOCKS WILL STOP YOU LIKE A BRICK POLE!

and that's cold, bitches, cold... because on the ice no one can hear you scream.

on second thought, fuck the entire axis (day 2 thread)

here's the open comments thread for day 2 of the THE DEATH POOL.

we here at girthy also pre-celebrate the expected US firebombing of the german she-curling team, much like dresden mixed with a bit of shock & awe--albeit on ice. stay tuned as bitchy-looking US skip debbie mcormack bravely pilots our hopes and dreams straight down the muthafuckin' rhine, before dropping a stone into an unprotected 3-meter exhaust port in the side of the Berlin Wall.

god bless afuckingmerica!

discuss...

japan fucking sucks (day 1 thread)

here's the day 1 open thread to comment on...

"fuck the japanese!"

"who said that?"

"harry s. truman, 1945!"

EDITED: "girthy, 2010, following the popping of US skip debbie mcormack's colossal shit balloon."

sssssssssssssssss. slow-like.

discuss...

let's (almost) get it started (uh-huh)

o hai! been awhile. thank god for dead presidents.

The Official 2010 She-Curling Death* Pool

Winner: 120 "Stones"
Loser: 60 "Stones"
3rd Place: 20 "Stones"
20 Stones per Team Entry

TEAMS--UPDATED WITH PARTICIPANTS:

Canada -- Jimmy
China -- Duke of Pools
Denmark -- Mike Nelson
Great Britain -- Andy Debes
Germany -- 1211 Minerva
Japan -- 159 Malts
Russia -- Vig
Switzerland -- KC
Sweden -- Liz
USA -- Joe (arrgh)


STANDINGS >>



TV Schedule:
QUALIFYING (ROUND ROBIN)
2/16 5:00pm – 8:00pm ET CNBC (24/771)
2/17 12:00pm – 3:00pm ET USA (38/738)
2/18 2:30am – 5:00am ET CNBC (24/771)
2/18 3:00am – 6:00am ET MSNBC (23/723)
2/18 5:00pm – 8:00pm ET CNBC (24/771)
2/19 12:00pm – 3:00pm ET USA (38/738)
2/19 10:00pm – 1:00am ET CNBC (24/771)
2/20 5:00pm – 8:00pm ET CNBC (24/771)
2/21 12:00pm – 3:00pm ET MSNBC (23/723)
2/21 10:00pm – 1:00am ET CNBC (24/771)
2/22 3:00am – 5:30am ET MSNBC (23/723)
2/22 5:00pm – 8:00pm ET CNBC (24/771)
2/23 12:00pm – 3:00pm ET USA (38/738)
2/23 10:00pm – 1:00am ET MSNBC (23/723)
2/24 3:00am – 5:30am ET MSNBC (23/723)

POTENTIAL TIEBREAKER ROUND:
2/24 5:00pm – 8:00pm ET MSNBC (23/723)


MEDAL ROUND:
Semis:
2/25 12:00pm – 3:00pm ET USA (38/738)

Bronze: Winner receives 20 Stones)
2/26 12:00pm – 3:00pm ET USA (38/738)

Gold: (Winner receives 120 Stones | Loser receives 60 Stones)
2/26 6:00pm – 9:00pm ET CNBC (24/771)



* ALL stones will IMMEDIATELY be awarded to the first team to kill an opponent during a match; this team will be declared the WINNER. Means of death can include any (though stoning is obviously preferred). In the event the death is that of a team member or spectator, this prize will not be awarded in full; however, in this case the 20-Stone 3rd Place Award will instead be vacated, and awarded to the killing team.

all hail, the one-shot

“My ‘first draft’ is IT,” Mr. Francis revealed in his autobiography, noting that he never rewrote. “I’ve tried once or twice, but I haven’t the mental stamina and I feel all the time that although what I’m attempting may be different, it won’t be better and may very well be worse, because my heart isn’t in it.”

...from the obit of one dick francis.

we heartily agree. fuck you, alternate takes!

GOD BLESS AMERICA

some things are worth posting about...

a modern day amazing grace and chuck this is not. though both had the three-finger boy scout salute going on...

this week's best blog post fucking ever

as a follow-up to the Big Doo post below, virtual hat's off to the always epic Posting n' Toasting, with this virtuoso performance/tour de force/ass-kick of an analysis:

Luol Deng may or may not be a dementor.

so true. also, as always, all hail clyde, and bemoan the sad loss of his online dictionary.

i hate these fucking people

“It’s literally like running next to a cheetah,” Chambers [sic]aid.

yeah. we get that shit a lot, too.

alternate title for this post: honey, i love you so much that i called the fucking nytimes.

we hope someone calls the nytimes for our next birthday present. yes, we want someone to pay Bon Iver to watch Old School and drink Guinness with us.

the garbage barge that is chris duhon

so, here's an email we just sent over to the fine fellows at Blog A Bull, a hilarious hoops blog (in the vein of the king of them all, The WizzNutzz)... who had warned everyone last year when they threw a virtual "Someone Signed Chris Duhon Party!" much like how NYC residents cheered when some poor rural area down South decides that their open territory is more valuable as landfill.

it's a profile of FRIGGIN' CHRIS DUHON by Howard Beck that you get the feeling was written like 3 weeks ago. it's also a case study in how statistics lie, and how a writer can sometimes goes into a story with a pre-conceived notion... which apparently leads him to imply that duhon is having a better season than rose, and is better than anyone you have ever had at PG in the last 3 years.

yeah. go read it.

for instance, duhon's getting 8 assists/game... because the knicks have 2 healthy guards, and because duhon dribbles for 18 seconds per possession on average! yes, the knicks have a high-octane offense... that gives up the 2nd most ppg in the friggin' league! their transition defense is a chinese fire drill.

and yeah, Big Doo's getting a career-high PPG in a career-high minutes... shooting 41pct from the friggin' field! and i'd say he does that "pull-up 3 from the top of the key with 16 seconds left on the shot clock with no one guarding him" thing at least 3 times a game; they usually hit the side of the rim.

like you guys promised... HE IS EVERYTHING YOU SAID HE COULD BE.

but i guess since he's apparently not about to "go to his car/get his second gun/come back and shoot everybody" kind of nuts (like recent knicks backcourt choices), he's gotta be the second coming of clyde, at least to one Howard B(l)ech.

anyway, great blog and stuff. and no, i'm not a knicks fan. jesus.

we'll update this later after derrick rose shits on him.

holy whiskeyfire ftmfw

go read the best blog post ever. now.

we're adding this dude to our officially supported sidebar links. welcome to the hallmark of true distinction, monsieur/madame fire (also, great backstory). you're a made blog, now.

and that's for the mother fucking win.

i am sooooo caught up in life

weirdest trash talk ever... with a backup on the bench (albeit it was Big Shot Eddy—check out Lucky bringin' the karma foul back to his kid about 21 secs in). i think this will be the year stephon marbury Alien head-bites an opponent, and then flings poo on the court. i look forward to that in hi-def.

from the times...

Marbury celebrated his first start with some solid play and a vicious verbal duel with House while House was sitting on the bench. It lasted several minutes and several possessions.

After Marbury drew a foul on Kendrick Perkins and hit two free throws, he turned and screamed at House, from midcourt: “You’re a bum!”

When play returned to the Celtics’ side of the court, House chirped, “Don’t worry about me. You better worry about Ray Allen,” whom Marbury was guarding. Marbury shot back, “You’re nothing!” then added, “You’re caught up in basketball. Get caught up in life.”

natural selection

don't worry. you, too, can raise a holier-than-thou child... literally. just make sure he's (NOTE: must be a He, like jesus was, cuz girls are the devil, silly!) been officially run through the catholic dog and pony show, with documentation, mind you.

hey, welcome to Chaminade.

School Motto: We are better than you.
School Fight Song: Onward Christian Soldiers, or #509 in the CBP
Students Pledge: To be more tolerant of other white people.
Famous Sponsors/Alumni: D'Amato, Suozzi, O'Reilly
Cost of Sponsor-/Alumni-Purchased Sports and Activities Complex: $20 million dollars
Cost of Your Soul: Fucking priceless!

on a serious note, ban Chaminade from competing against or interacting with any public school in this country. and certainly—obviously—here in a secular country, Chaminade should not be getting a fucking dime from the feds, directly, indirectly, infrastructurely—whatsofuckingever. right?

go peddle your crazy xenophobic bullshit somewhere else.