the angel of meat

we need to start saving up for some fine-ass art. or maybe we can strike it rich and be a wealthy patron.

either way--"paintings about children, god, and USDA grade A beef"--this brilliant fellow must surely be a Girthy reader:


and goes well with steak.

she walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs

metaphorically speaking, these are like excellent analogies.

as discuss!

look da fuck out, lilly--it's a muthafuckin' flyin' BIDEMIC!

life is a mystery.

every one must stand alone.

i hear you call my name...

and it is to watch this movie:



fave quotage:

Evan Husney, who now works for the independent distributor Severin Films, was also at Sundance in 2009, where he spotted Mr. Nguyen driving a beat-up sport utility vehicle decorated with a prop eagle and fake blood, and blaring bird noises from its stereo.

“On the side of his car,” Mr. Husney said, “he had spelled the name of his own movie wrong. He had spelled it ‘Bidemic,’ without the R.”

breaking the fourth wall with facebook

'nuff said...

whiskeyfire is still fucking brilliant

give the governor 'harrumph':

If you can't get Antonin Fucking Scalia to agree with you about how you're an oppressed Catholic in modern America, give it the fuck up, would be my advice.

such good stuff.

dred scott's got nothin' on me, muthafuckaz

it's the times like these that make you stop and sadly admit that you've wasted your life by not doing... things like this:



depressing.

spring fever with the 'so-called regulars'

in the footer lieth the brilliance:

The Mets sent only three so-called regular players to face the Braves, including first baseman Daniel Murphy, catcher Rod Barajas and center fielder Angel Pagan, and lost, 9-5, while committing four errors.

Eddie Kunz gave up four runs in a third of an inning, so his earned run average is 108.00.

do the other backup catchers get insulted by this sort of thing?

the final word: tough sheet, losers

and... it's ovah.

the winner of the golden medal goes to SWEDENLAND! silver (or first loser) to CANADIA! and copper to CHINA. enjoy your penguin job, suissers.

now, as is our editorial privilege here at girthy, we bring you a direct cut/paste from the first (and apparently only) comment of our winning contestant, from yesterday's thread:

I felt the time was right to make my one and only appearance on this blog as I graciously accept my team's gold medal win. Please know, I appreciated your efforts during these Olympic games--alas, you all fell beneath the mighty Swedish hammer.

Sweden has contributed much to the world: ABBA, meatballs, Ace of Base, those yummy gummy fish. You might not be aware of this, but they are also the inventors of dynamite...or as I like to call her, Anette Norberg.

I salute you, worthy competitors, and await your virtual obeisance.

Betala bitches!
The Hammer

yeah.

so, on that immaculate grace note, see you fuckers in four years (when we also begin DEATH POOL coverage of women's biathlon) JUNE--for MUTHAFUCKIN' WORLD CUP FOOTBALLIN' ACTION FROM APARTHEID-LAND!

be girthy...

semifinally MEDAL ROUND OF DOOM (day 10 - 11 open thread)

and it looks like it's Canadia vs. Swedenland for the GOLD (and silver)!

discuss the impending SOUTHSIDE vs. ELEANOR battle here... as well as the cutthroat bronze medal game between the DUKE vs. the 159...

get yo' medals on (day 9 open thread--off day)

here in the blue-black gloaming of the limbo between round robin and medal round, let's take a brief moment to discuss...

also, here's the medal round schedule/teams.

20 Eleanor plays the Duke
and
Southside Jimmy goes up against KC!

watch 'em live online, if it's not shown on the teevee (as both semifinals are simultaneously at the same time)!

i hate the fucking olympics (day 8 open thread)

but at least i found out towards the end of the round robin round that you can watch embattled former US skip debbie mccormackrhymeswithsucksdick live--on your computer, over the interwebs. just go down to the LIVE! video shit on the right rail.

of course, being cursed with the worst US women's curling team ever has at least allowed me the excruciating joy of watching them on live TV as they flounder on the sheet, a beached, bleating seal, letting their competitors slowly bite huge chunks out of them--before their competitors spit out said chunks, because they taste like fat fucking loser.

yeah.

however, for those of you not cursed with having the US team, i guess it could be cool to watch every other match--LIVE. here's the link.

discuss...

a good bye (day 7 open thread)

embattled US skip debbie mccormackpottinger gets a blessed day of respite, before finishing the round robin round later this week. more waffling and bad draw weight to come!

also, here's hoping she can heal up from all of colleen murphy's bite marks.

discuss...

fuck canadia (day 6 thread)

as we begin the annexation of the 51st state that's not puerto rico or mexico, ta neige, canuckian women's curling team, fait des l'armes au soleil.

discuss (in your language of choice)...

fuck the scotch (day 5 open thread)

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
va.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
VA.

EVA! fresh from pulling a Rasputin on ice, US skip debbie mccormack sent us here at girthy a celebratory screed... and wethinks it's for you, darlin':

no wo-man, EVA, is an Iland, intire of herselfe; every wo-man
is a peece of the North American Continent, Remember the Maine!;
if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe (this is you)
is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as
well as if a Manor of thy friends or of thine
owne were; any wo-mans death diminishes me,
because I am involved in Mankinde;
And therefore never send to know for whom
the hammer tolls; It tolls for thee.

MEDITATION XVII
Devotions upon Emergent Curling Occasions
Debbie McCormick

if you read it really, really (hard) fast, it sounds just like this.

which means, despite your precocious skills with the big hammer, your 19 years of scottish class and humor, and your cute little nose--you are about to be mccormack-ed. rhymes, with...

nyet with all that glasnost shit (day 4 open thread)

so, things are going pretty much as expected. if you haven't been watching, here's a recap of the US team from our first 3 matches.



debbie mccormack would be, in this scenario, the stewardess, i believe.

on the plus side--hey, we're not the men's team! though, of course, men's curling isn't a real sport, anyway.

and on the other plus side--there are no giant sharks in fucking russia! fuck you, russia! they're all frozen, or hunted to extinction for their caviar.

on the somewhat negative side, there's a 50/50 chance some fucking Inuit throws a harpoon midway through brave US skip debbie mccormack's upper thorax before End 8. you'll know it's gonna happen if you start hearing seal calls.

let's bang denmark, baby (day 3 open thread)

as of 12:35 ET, it's looking something like:

1: Sweden: 3 - 0
2: Canada: 2 - 0
2: Germany: 2 - 0
4: Russia: 1 - 1
4: GB: 1 - 1
4: Japan: 1 - 1
4: China: 1 - 1
8: US: 0 - 2
8: Denmark: 0 - 2
10: Suisse: 0 - 3

DID YOU KNOW: the danish team features this year's version of the Johnson Sisters? they're also 0 - 3 right now--and on a deadly collision course to smack face first into beefy-armed bitchy clique queen debbie mccormack, and her heathers-like team of catty stoners. look, out Danish Johnson Sisters; because just like an out-of-control luger, DEBBIE MCCORMACK'S UNI-CHIN AND WELL-BRUSHED LOCKS WILL STOP YOU LIKE A BRICK POLE!

and that's cold, bitches, cold... because on the ice no one can hear you scream.

on second thought, fuck the entire axis (day 2 thread)

here's the open comments thread for day 2 of the THE DEATH POOL.

we here at girthy also pre-celebrate the expected US firebombing of the german she-curling team, much like dresden mixed with a bit of shock & awe--albeit on ice. stay tuned as bitchy-looking US skip debbie mcormack bravely pilots our hopes and dreams straight down the muthafuckin' rhine, before dropping a stone into an unprotected 3-meter exhaust port in the side of the Berlin Wall.

god bless afuckingmerica!

discuss...

japan fucking sucks (day 1 thread)

here's the day 1 open thread to comment on...

"fuck the japanese!"

"who said that?"

"harry s. truman, 1945!"

EDITED: "girthy, 2010, following the popping of US skip debbie mcormack's colossal shit balloon."

sssssssssssssssss. slow-like.

discuss...

let's (almost) get it started (uh-huh)

o hai! been awhile. thank god for dead presidents.

The Official 2010 She-Curling Death* Pool

Winner: 120 "Stones"
Loser: 60 "Stones"
3rd Place: 20 "Stones"
20 Stones per Team Entry

TEAMS--UPDATED WITH PARTICIPANTS:

Canada -- Jimmy
China -- Duke of Pools
Denmark -- Mike Nelson
Great Britain -- Andy Debes
Germany -- 1211 Minerva
Japan -- 159 Malts
Russia -- Vig
Switzerland -- KC
Sweden -- Liz
USA -- Joe (arrgh)


STANDINGS >>



TV Schedule:
QUALIFYING (ROUND ROBIN)
2/16 5:00pm – 8:00pm ET CNBC (24/771)
2/17 12:00pm – 3:00pm ET USA (38/738)
2/18 2:30am – 5:00am ET CNBC (24/771)
2/18 3:00am – 6:00am ET MSNBC (23/723)
2/18 5:00pm – 8:00pm ET CNBC (24/771)
2/19 12:00pm – 3:00pm ET USA (38/738)
2/19 10:00pm – 1:00am ET CNBC (24/771)
2/20 5:00pm – 8:00pm ET CNBC (24/771)
2/21 12:00pm – 3:00pm ET MSNBC (23/723)
2/21 10:00pm – 1:00am ET CNBC (24/771)
2/22 3:00am – 5:30am ET MSNBC (23/723)
2/22 5:00pm – 8:00pm ET CNBC (24/771)
2/23 12:00pm – 3:00pm ET USA (38/738)
2/23 10:00pm – 1:00am ET MSNBC (23/723)
2/24 3:00am – 5:30am ET MSNBC (23/723)

POTENTIAL TIEBREAKER ROUND:
2/24 5:00pm – 8:00pm ET MSNBC (23/723)


MEDAL ROUND:
Semis:
2/25 12:00pm – 3:00pm ET USA (38/738)

Bronze: Winner receives 20 Stones)
2/26 12:00pm – 3:00pm ET USA (38/738)

Gold: (Winner receives 120 Stones | Loser receives 60 Stones)
2/26 6:00pm – 9:00pm ET CNBC (24/771)



* ALL stones will IMMEDIATELY be awarded to the first team to kill an opponent during a match; this team will be declared the WINNER. Means of death can include any (though stoning is obviously preferred). In the event the death is that of a team member or spectator, this prize will not be awarded in full; however, in this case the 20-Stone 3rd Place Award will instead be vacated, and awarded to the killing team.

all hail, the one-shot

“My ‘first draft’ is IT,” Mr. Francis revealed in his autobiography, noting that he never rewrote. “I’ve tried once or twice, but I haven’t the mental stamina and I feel all the time that although what I’m attempting may be different, it won’t be better and may very well be worse, because my heart isn’t in it.”

...from the obit of one dick francis.

we heartily agree. fuck you, alternate takes!