 |
| Adios, tech dudebro journomonsters. |
also, trigger warnings for not being a parody or satire... we think.
Side Note: hey, we been there, too--and the only thing we agree on is the layers. do layers.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
on leaving the navel behind
also, trigger warnings for not being a parody or satire... we think.
Side Note: hey, we been there, too--and the only thing we agree on is the layers. do layers.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Your final pipes and drums
not sure if you die-hards know this, but every curling match is started with the pipes and drums. this shit is Scottish, ya'know.
in Sochi, they got a 2x2 of pipes and drums, all gloriously be-kilted. it's nice, and reserved.
in Canadia--where the Curling Bros told us yesterday that ONE MEEEELION of the world's 1.1 million curlers actually live--it's a bit... more:
enjoy your finals, people.
UPDATE: no Curling Bros! they must be doing the non-existent men's finals. we get the schoolteacher guy who says take-oats and the "where is his accent from" dude instead, which is a net win.
in Sochi, they got a 2x2 of pipes and drums, all gloriously be-kilted. it's nice, and reserved.
in Canadia--where the Curling Bros told us yesterday that ONE MEEEELION of the world's 1.1 million curlers actually live--it's a bit... more:
enjoy your finals, people.
UPDATE: no Curling Bros! they must be doing the non-existent men's finals. we get the schoolteacher guy who says take-oats and the "where is his accent from" dude instead, which is a net win.
The Bronze Age of Curling
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| TEAM SCOT skip Eve Muirhead, right, is upset over Anna |
plus, this gives our Eve a real sad, which is often confused for her "happy" face.
and, of course, you won't show a replay until tomorrow. so fuck that noise--and 'grats Eve and the gals; youngest medaling she-curling rink of all time!
meanwhile, if you want to watch your Gold Medal Deathpool match, it's on at 8:30 am here, supposedly.
or you can wait until 5 pm when it's being shown on your TVboxes, on replay, with the Curling Bros. make sure your doorknobs are clean for their tongues.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
The Finals: One giant penguin job
tomorrow: ThunderDome on ice (bumpy, half-frozen, disgraceful ice, at that):
THE DUKE OF SWEDEN
vs.
THE 159 MOUNTIES
in the loser semifinals for the bronzing:
TEAM SCOTS IRISH vs. TEAM SWISSCROAT
the world is an awful place, filled with misery and sadness.
We got pecked
one shitty piece of shitty Russian debris Canadian detritus in the first end, and that was all she wrote.
behold the hairy, bad-toothed face of victory.
behold the hairy, bad-toothed face of victory.
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| Canadian skip Jenny Jones celebrates on the shit-riddled Sochi after cheating. |
The NBC blowlympics rebus
let's do visual analogies of the things i think of when NBC "covers" the semifinals like a "real" sport:
+
=
we now return you to your commercials, replays of other sports, pontification from the fucking windowlickers in the "analysis" studio, and the two curling bros mouthbreathing their way through the occasional "coverage."
those are all air quotes because we use them to show "emotion." as in, "i fucking hate you NBC. and, also, YOU, Canadia."
+
=
we now return you to your commercials, replays of other sports, pontification from the fucking windowlickers in the "analysis" studio, and the two curling bros mouthbreathing their way through the occasional "coverage."
those are all air quotes because we use them to show "emotion." as in, "i fucking hate you NBC. and, also, YOU, Canadia."
NBC sucks so much fucking cock
curling. a sport with no interruptions. not made for commercial breaks--aside from the five minutes of intermission after the 5th end. obvs.
SO WHY DOES FUCKING NBC DECIDE TO ONLY TELEVISE THIS IN THE SEMIS?
commercials every 3 stones. go back to the computer to watch it commercial free--but, no, they're actually showing the fucking TV commercials and broadcast on the computer now, too.
so, fuck you, NBC in your corpo-peacock-comcast fucking eyesockets. fuck you, and die.
SO WHY DOES FUCKING NBC DECIDE TO ONLY TELEVISE THIS IN THE SEMIS?
commercials every 3 stones. go back to the computer to watch it commercial free--but, no, they're actually showing the fucking TV commercials and broadcast on the computer now, too.
so, fuck you, NBC in your corpo-peacock-comcast fucking eyesockets. fuck you, and die.
30 odd minutes from the Eve of Your Destruction, Fucking Canadia!
TEAM SCOT VS. TEAM SEAL BLUBBER
is here.
MIRJAM OTT VS. THE GHOST OF ANNETTE NORBERG
is all here.
it all comes down to this. and it all goes down at the top of the hour. and NBC keeps changing those links to show Chinese speed skating, so, good luck.
EDIT: holy shit--it's gonna be on LIVE on USA, U-S-A, U-S-A (the network, not the people who chant that at the drop of a hat). enjoy your freedom curling!
is here.
MIRJAM OTT VS. THE GHOST OF ANNETTE NORBERG
is all here.
it all comes down to this. and it all goes down at the top of the hour. and NBC keeps changing those links to show Chinese speed skating, so, good luck.
EDIT: holy shit--it's gonna be on LIVE on USA, U-S-A, U-S-A (the network, not the people who chant that at the drop of a hat). enjoy your freedom curling!
Monday, February 17, 2014
Duh-nuh nuh-nuh, duh-Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh...
THREE HOURS PEOPLE. THIS IS YOUR FINAL (OF THE STONE ROBIN ROUND) COUNTDOWN. as is this:
well, stoneheads (rockheads? broomheads? Eveheads?), it all comes down to this.
one game left for every rink.
O, Canadia and Das Swedenland are in the semifinals. TEAM SCOT also is poised to make it in.
meaning it's betwixt China, Japan and the Mirjam Ott All-Stars. why? because TEAM AZUMI upset the Chinese a few hours back, meaning all three teams now stand at 4 - 4!
and it's SUI vs. CHINA in the last match of the Stone Robin, happening somewhere on this disaster of a modern Web site at 10am Universal Freedom Time. meanwhile, TEAM AZUMI must now pull off an even bigger upset--that of Sweden (who is playing for nothing, honestly, as they're in and will be the 2 seed).
based on my extensive amateur breakdown, the semifinal (early, early Wednesday, i think) will look like this:
2 SWE vs. 3 TEAM SCOT
1 CAN vs. 4 Winner of SUI/CHN unless JPN beats SWE--and then TEAM AZUMI should get in because they beat both the other teams head-to-head (and over the last two days, when it was do or seppuku time, too).
unless curling uses obscure, nonsensical rules--which isentirely probable exactly what they do: turns out, if two teams are tied after the Stone Robin, they play a Thunderdome-style DEATHMATCH, where the winner moves on and is fed to hungry Manitobans in the semis, and the loser is fed to a maneating Danish giraffe, who is then shotgunned to the face and subsequently fed to lions--because zoos are for lovers of animals, but not inbreeding.
well, stoneheads (rockheads? broomheads? Eveheads?), it all comes down to this.
one game left for every rink.
O, Canadia and Das Swedenland are in the semifinals. TEAM SCOT also is poised to make it in.
meaning it's betwixt China, Japan and the Mirjam Ott All-Stars. why? because TEAM AZUMI upset the Chinese a few hours back, meaning all three teams now stand at 4 - 4!
and it's SUI vs. CHINA in the last match of the Stone Robin, happening somewhere on this disaster of a modern Web site at 10am Universal Freedom Time. meanwhile, TEAM AZUMI must now pull off an even bigger upset--that of Sweden (who is playing for nothing, honestly, as they're in and will be the 2 seed).
based on my extensive amateur breakdown, the semifinal (early, early Wednesday, i think) will look like this:
2 SWE vs. 3 TEAM SCOT
unless curling uses obscure, nonsensical rules--which is
Friday, February 14, 2014
Courtesy of a good buddy...
The Hokkaido Penguin Job
you've had it happen to you, we're sure.
you wake up, pre-dawn, put on your Braveheart paint, sling on your kilt, and take a g'mornin' knocker off your jug.
then you set yerself down, settling in, sooo very excited to watch these chicks get all Eved:
and after the obligatory 10 minutes of trying to punch the NBC site in its virtual face, we're on!
then you find out that they're not only NOT curling in their zombie-blood-covered high school uniforms--but that they look like this.
man,Truman little Johnny had it right.
you wake up, pre-dawn, put on your Braveheart paint, sling on your kilt, and take a g'mornin' knocker off your jug.
then you set yerself down, settling in, sooo very excited to watch these chicks get all Eved:
and after the obligatory 10 minutes of trying to punch the NBC site in its virtual face, we're on!
then you find out that they're not only NOT curling in their zombie-blood-covered high school uniforms--but that they look like this.
man,
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Today's Eve: Big Balls Edition
well, turns out that Eve really does have bigger stones than most. that's EXACTLY what we look for in our athlete-heroes at girthy. well, that--and this:
PRO TIP FOR ROOKIES:
if you want to really get a feel for how the educated talk about curling in the parlance of our times, read how the Canuckians write about it.
sounds so much cooler--even if theirsquad rink (it's called a rink, dummies!) is a quartet of shaggy Arctic harpybeasts, surviving off rotten seal blubber and the bloated carcasses of broken-down ice road trucker-types.
 |
| Gaze into that shit like the fuckin' Abyss. |
if you want to really get a feel for how the educated talk about curling in the parlance of our times, read how the Canuckians write about it.
sounds so much cooler--even if their
Your team is shitty. Unless you are from Canada.
in advance of today's crucial 10am, just-around-halfway matches, here's what the She-Curling Death Pool looks like:
- Standings
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